How to develop the attitude of solitude?

T: The Buddha praises seclusion in the Suttas, in many places. So, assuming that that is what we should be doing, being secluded, how can we get ready for that seclusion? What can we do so we can actually live in physical seclusion and actually benefit from it?

N: The most obvious thing is basically to start exposing yourself to it, to seclusion. In other words, you’re not going to prepare yourself for seclusion if you never leave the group. If you never even leave the group for periods of time, if you never spend time alone, if you’re always surrounded by people. Preparedness for seclusion cannot come out of it, because it’s completely the opposite of it. So as helpful as people can be, for one’s well-being and so on, it’s a compromise. Needing others is a compromise. Whether as a layperson or a monk, doesn’t matter. But when I say ‘needing others’ I’m talking more specifically about needing others for your existential well-being. That is a massive risk. That’s a massive compromise, if you never develop out of it. Because, you know, there’s all those reflections that we are all owners of our actions, basically what you do stays with you, you live this life then you go to the next one, and the next one, or whatever. The point is, no other people can help you with that, no other people can take away your burden or add to it, it’s always on you. Your intentions, your decisions, your actions, will always stay on you. That’s what I mean, you’re bound with your actions and the results of it.

So existentially, fundamentally, you’re alone whether you want to be or not. So, the practice comes out of the first step of recognition of that very existential principle, that you are alone, that you cannot not be. The experience is always me and others. Even if others are your best friends and partners and relatives and family, it’s still others. You can have very close others, but for you, it’s still just you. So when it comes to your feelings, your intentions, your responsibility, that cannot be shared among the group. Only as an excuse basically you would use it.

T: So I can tell you that I feel this and that…

N: Yeah. But that dimension of your feeling is inherently inaccessible to me. Inasmuch as I mention my feeling is inherently inaccessible to anybody other than me. So that’s what I mean when I say solitude is not optional in other talks, because existence is not optional. And existence is solitary, basically. And that’s why, if somebody wants to overcome and undo bhāva, the existence, you need start recognising these inherent principles of it. So for as long as you don’t leave the group, how can you develop towards solitude? How can you see through it? How can you discern the neutral feeling that the Buddha praises, basically, for which solitude is required?

Most people who are not used to solitude, when they are left alone, boredom is the first result of their experience. So they experience boredom, which is kind of ‘oh, just bored’. But it’s actually much more than just that. Because if you stay with your boredom, it starts turning into this restless panic, fear, anxiety. And that’s when you realise how much you actually depend on your perception of others around you. How much you depend on that in order to basically conceal that inherent nature of existence. That you are alone, and fundamentally you’re not in control either. That’s why people are so terrified of boredom generally. It’s just, the whole existence, the whole lifestyle goes against that principle of existence, that you’re not in your control, that you are alone. So that’s why every little reminder of that is very frightening for people who are not used to it. So of course you can’t expect to just jump in to it overnight, because yeah, you could legitimately lose your mind. But, at the same time, to use that as an excuse to never do it and never prepare yourself for it? Well that’s equally ignorant.

So you want to recognise, ‘OK, I’m not ready to jump into that extreme solitude right away’. Which means, ‘I should make myself ready’. Because what do you think death is? Is it any different? Basically cessation, cancellation of all of your means of escape from yourself. Cancellation of sensuality, cancellation of company, cancellation of others, cancellation of distraction. That’s why death is the ultimate terror for a puthujjana who is fundamentally, existentially dependent upon others, upon sensuality, upon distraction. So, using examples of people jumping into solitude too quickly and losing their mind as a proof that you shouldn’t do that, well that’s just non-wisdom speaking. Using examples to prove that you can do it too quickly, sure, which means slow down a bit. But that still remains the goal. Whether you go to it fast or slowly does not compromise the quality of the goal, which is developing of the solitude.

So, that’s what I mean, whether it’s a layperson or a monk, doesn’t matter. You review your mind, reflect upon and see: Would I be ready to live in solitude, without having anything to do, without having any interactions? Or at least for the majority of my day. Would I be able to just be with myself? Or would I have to, sort of, extra-commit to some sort of meditation technique to keep doing, basically just finding things to do. Would I need things to do in the solitude, or would I be at ease? So whatever the answer is…

T: Do I delight in solitude?

N: Exactly, delighting in solitude, ‘I’m at ease in solitude, I prefer it’. But that takes work and development. And yeah, I mean, don’t take my word for it, read the Suttas and it’s just, all the time. Learning how to delight in solitude. Not because you can’t cope with others or because you hate others, all of those are wrong reasons and they’re going to become obvious to whoever goes into solitude. No, it’s just genuinely preferring it over company. Preferring it over interaction. Not because you’re lazy or undeveloped. It’s because you see it as a basis of wholesome, because you see it as mirroring the basic existential principle that you are not running away from. And through that discernment, then it will support mindfulness and everything else. But that’s the thing, you ask yourself, ‘Am I ready for this? No.’ OK, so, as a layperson, I should really start preparing myself for it. Even if I never go into complete solitude or ordain, become a monk, or whatever—I will get sick, I will die, my senses will fail. How do you think it feels, your senses failing? It feels like you’re basically being confined more and more and more into one solitary box.

T: Imprisoned.

N: Imprisoned. That’s why the Buddha gave that simile of the four mountains coming closer and closer from every direction and crushing you eventually. As in, you have less and less space to move. Less and less possibility of engaging with senses, which means less and less possibility of maintaining the domain of sensuality, the domain of distraction. So, if your whole life is about avoiding that, but at the same time you think you’re practising Dhamma, that’s a complete contradiction in terms. Nobody denies that others can be helpful, and a group of like-minded people is helpful. But that’s just inasmuch as school is helpful for somebody who is learning a craft. But they can’t do the craft for you.

So they can help you initially, if you perceive them as knowing more than you and so on. That’s why like, if you find a friend that’s equal or superior, yeah, go and learn from them. Not like, associate with somebody who, no, you can’t learn anything from, on the pretext of of Dhamma, but still, just because of the association in itself. And before you or others quote that Sutta about the noble friendship, it’s quite obvious what the Buddha meant by it. Very often you hear that quote “the holy friendship is the whole of the holy life,” having a good friend is, like, the entire holy life. And if the Buddha stopped there, then yeah, you could say, OK, we need friends. But then the Buddha goes, in the same Sutta, the next line, and he says what he meant by it. He meant that: Here, a young man hears about the Buddha and the possibility of enlightenment. Because of that, he regards him as a friend at that time. And because of that friendship in his mind towards such-and-such person who maybe became enlightened, he develops faith on account of which he goes forth, becomes a monk, and then becomes enlightened as a result of his efforts.

T: That’s the meaning of the Sutta.

N: That’s exactly, that’s the whole meaning of that. So, yeah, you find the ‘good friend’ to learn from, but not the ‘good friend’ to indulge your friendship because you’re too afraid to be alone. Or too distracted, or too anxious. So, really, it’s not negotiable at all. That’s why whoever attained the right view in the Suttas, all the Buddha would tell them is go to solitude, empty hut, root of a tree, do it, do it. Because you would need that solitude for that. And the person with the right view would actually do it rightly. They wouldn’t be using solitude for any wrong reasons. So that’s why the Buddha was constantly just repeating that. And we’ve said that before, when Ānanda was with all those other arahants and ariyans sewing robes for kaṭhina. And the Buddha compared them to a band of fishermen at the market, shouting. And I’m sure they were very mindful and composed, certainly for our modern standards. Yet the Buddha was mocking them, ‘This is ridiculous, what are you doing?’ ‘Oh well, lord, we are sewing robes for the kaṭhina…’ He was like ‘You’re like a band of fishermen!’ And then started talking about solitude and seclusion and non-socialising. So that’s what I mean, you don’t expect that overnight like ‘I will do it!’ but that doesn’t mean that you don’t start preparing yourself for it.

You want to develop mental strength, or any form of strength. You recognise your weakness, then you recognise what you want to develop. But avoiding solitude would be equivalent of, you recognise your weakness, and then justify to yourself that you shouldn’t develop strength in the first place. ‘Oh, I can’t go in to solitude.’ ‘Yeah, you shouldn’t, company is the goal, company. See, the Buddha said it’s the noble friendship.’ But he didn’t. He said it’s the noble friendship, you find the friends that at least, theoretically, were developed more than you. Because of that, you tried to match them. Because of that friendship, because of that trust, you tried to match that development. You tried to match that enlightenment of the Buddha. So yeah, in that sense, it was the attitude of friendship that determined your whole life as a monk, as somebody who practised, but not the actual social interacting and engaging with everyone and no one really.